Saturday, March 7, 2009

Hanging On

I can't sleep. Insomnia is a bitch. But as I lay in my bed my mind starts racing and reflecting on these past few years. I realized something so strange....I have turned into one of those moms that hangs on to every last ounce of babyness. What I mean by that is that with Tyler I was always finding myself pushing him to get to those first milestones. I couldn't wait to give him his first haircut, I wanted him to talk, walk, crawl and just hurry and grow up. I remember thinking when he was a baby "I can't wait until we can have a conversation while driving in the car" and now, well let's just say there are times I just want to stuff a sock in his mouth or press the mute button! I can't believe in a few short weeks my little boy will be five years old. Where has the time gone?

Which brings me to this uncharted territory I am finding myself in. I am subconsciously hanging on to Ryan and Noah like crazy. I will admit that I have yet to fully take away their bottles. Yes, I said it. I keep finding a reason to validate why they still need them. Who am I kidding, they don't need it. I need it. So this weekend will be it for that. When I see them with a bottle before bed I don't see a toddler needing desperately to get rid of it, I see my little babies. I can't bring myself to cut off their hair because they will look more like little boys rather than my little babies. Besides that, I sort of like their surfer shags! But I also love that when they wake up from a nap they love it when I stroke their hair. It's so precious to just hold them while they lay on my chest. I love the way they still smell after a bath. After Tyler's bath he still smells like a dirty little boy! ha ha. I still feel needed with Ryan and Noah. And now the only time Tyler needs me is when he gets hurt or if he wants something to eat. I love the sound their diaper makes when they run down the hall, you know that swishing sound. I love when they pull up their shirt and look at their tummy like they just found the coolest thing ever, or when they hear music Noah does his signature "one shoulder" dance move and Ryan does his squatting dance move.

I almost feel guilty for speeding through all these wonderful phases in Tyler's life. I feel like I let it all pass me by so quickly that I didn't even get to stop and enjoy it. I look at Tyler and am overwhelmingly happy with how he is growing. He is such a fun, imaginative, hilarious little boy. He wears his heart on his sleeve and tells you like it is. I love it. But at the same time I miss my little baby boy. I know my boys can't stay little forever, but it's like I want to freeze time and never let them get bigger. I know that tomorrow I will wake up and they will be driving cars and not wanting to have anything to do with mommy and daddy. And even those words "mommy" and "daddy" will be a thing of the past. Soon it will be mom or mother. I remember calling my mommy MOTHER, when I was mad or irritated. But I guess I need to realize that growing up is just a part of life and all I can do is try my hardest to enjoy the ride and preserve as many memories as possible.

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe how fast time flies. I miss you all so much. School cannot end fast enough. Hugs and kisses to all. I hope to see you and your growing boys soon!

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